


Never Have I Ever

by JTRex235



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-17 21:50:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21650320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JTRex235/pseuds/JTRex235
Summary: Takes place in ME3 after the Cerberus coup attempt on the Citadel, in the same storyline as Pivotal Moments.Some of the crew gather in the lounge for drinks, and Joker decides a game of "Never Have I Ever" is a good idea.
Relationships: Male Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Comments: 2
Kudos: 72





	Never Have I Ever

"Alright. The rules are simple. We all take turns saying something we've never done, and if you've done it, you take a drink. No matter how embarrassing." Joker said to the crowd of crew in the lounge. "Questions?"

Ashley, Vega, Steve, Karen, Adams, Traynor, and John nodded impatiently already knowing the rules. Garrus, Tali and Liara all soaked in the implications while EDI just studied everyone.

"Shepard, I think you should do the honors." Joker grinned at him. 

John immediately regretted this as everyone looked at him expectantly. How did he get roped into this childish game, and why did Chakwas look so giddy?

"Um." He sighed. "Never have I ever… stolen a car."

Vega, Ashley, and Karen drank.

"Really?" John asked Chakwas.

"What?" She said primly to the surprised crew. "I was fifteen and wanted to go to the cinema with a friend. I had my learners permit so I snuck my mother's Jaguar out while she was at a medical conference. Never got caught." She added with an air of self satisfaction. 

"Damn." Joker laughed with the rest of the team. "Okay. We'll go counter clockwise."

All eyes turned to Garrus. 

"Eh." He hummed in thought. "Never have I ever swam naked." 

Everyone except Tali drank. Nobody but Garrus seemed surprised and he cocked a brow plate at John.

"What? I was a teenager in the Irish countryside. We skinny dipped all the time." He rolled his eyes and sipped his drink. Garrus was kind enough to make him a virgin version of some Asari drink.

"Okay. My turn." Tali said excitedly. "Never have I ever slept with a human." Nearly everyone's hand twitched before she added. "Of the same gender." 

Garrus glared daggers at her as he drank while she just giggled. Steve, John, and Traynor shared a look, shrugged and drank as well.

"You're next." Joker nodded to Liara.

"I'm familiar with how a circle works, Joker." Liara eyed him with humor. "Let me think. Never have I ever wrecked a Mako."

John and Vega drank. John tipped his glass toward Vega in a cheers fashion. 

"If this turns into 'pick on your skipper' I'm out." John chuckled.

"Oh no. It isn't." Joker assured. "Alright. Never have I ever had a threeway."

Vega, Karen, Traynor and Adams drank but John's glass raised before he caught himself and set it back down.

Joker looked at him with a victorious smirk. Garrus looked petrified.

"Oh do tell, Commander." He gestured to his glass. "No cheating."

Shepard sighed as he adapted. "It was after my N7 graduation. Buddy of mine and I got on great with a local gal in Rio." He sipped his drink. It was half true. The gal left their hotel room before things got really started so he and his buddy decided to drunkenly finish it.

"Nice!" Vega nodded. 

Joker looked unconvinced and Garrus looked placated.

"Never have I ever been caught sneaking someone in or out of the house by my parents." Ashley pushed forward.

Nearly everyone drank.

"Damn. You all suck at sneaking. I had to do it past a mom, an overly watchful dad when he was home, two sisters, and an army of dogs and cats." She shook her head. "So who got in the worst trouble?" 

Adams spoke up. "Probably me. I was fourteen and got caught sneaking my girlfriend out as my parents came home early. Mom yelled at me for an hour, then my dad had an excruciating version of 'the talk'. I'd rather have my mom yell at me more than go through that."

"My uncle didn't get pissed, but my grandma found out and didn't let me have tamales for like a year." Vega laughed. "It was a year after it happened too!"

The group laughed and Traynor spoke up.

"Mine was a double whammy. My girlfriend and I lost track of time. Parents came home as we were watching a movie in my bed and busted us. We weren't doing anything and were wearing pajamas but my dad was a bit angry. He drove her home since it was long past our curfew. Mom came upstairs and gave me 'the talk'. After fifteen brutal minutes of listening to her talk about sex in her perfect Queen's English I broke down and spilled the beans that I was gay." She wiped a tear out of her eye and caught her breathe from laughing at the memory. "She just said, 'I know. Why do you think I haven't mentioned penises?'. I was mortified. My dad brought home my favorite take out though and they were cool."

"That's awesome." John grinned. He was having a blast, and they all needed a little break to let their hair down, so to speak.

The group played a couple more rounds as the drinks flowed. Stories were told and laughter was shared, but even the merriment had its end, and people were starting to slur words and yawn. 

"Okay, okay." Joker waived his hands in the air to get everyone's attention, nearly smacking Ashley in the face. "May I have the honor of the last one?" 

Everyone nodded or just drunkenly stared at him. John was trying hard not to fall asleep where he had turned on the couch and put his head in Garrus' lap. It didn't help that his boyfriend was running his blunt talons through his hair.

"Okay." He drunkenly smirked and stared Shepard and Garrus down like a predator. "Never have I ever." He paused dramatically, as Shepard woke up a bit and braced too late for the impact. "SLEPT WITH THE PRIMARCH." He blurted.

Tension wafted into the room and time seemed to stand still as everyone either stared at Shepard and Garrus, gaped at Joker, or looked everywhere else.

"Dude." Vega spoke up. "Bit too far."

Joker's grin disappeared as his drunken brain caught up with him. Even EDI was looking at him with displeasure. 

"Um. Sorry?" He tried to say to a seething Commander. 

Before Shepard could say anything, Garrus chugged the rest of his drink and set it down calmly on the table. He leveled a neutral stare at Joker who shrunk a bit.

"So do you want to know who was top and bottom?" He asked matter of factly. 

Everyone gaped at Garrus including John. He was about to protest before Garrus patted his chest and cocked his head a bit. Joker stammered like an idiot so he pushed his advantage. 

"It started out with John showing him the skills a human mouth can-" 

"Okay I'm out. Good game guys. Lets play again sometime, or not." Vega rushed to get out of the room but tripped over Ash's splayed legs and his entire bulk slammed into the deck. "Mierda." He squeeked.

"So what does a turian dick look like?" Steven asked thoughtfully, enjoying the growing horror on Joker's face.

"That's MY cue to leave." Ash stumbled as she got up and poked Vega with her boot. "Get up marine."

Ash drunkenly attempted to help him up but gave up and made her own escape. She stepped over his body while blurting a goodbye and blushing furiously. 

Joker looked frozen.

"How is that anti chafing salve working out for you two, anyway?" Karen asked innocently before taking a sip from her wine glass.

Joker looked at her too, his horrified face not changing.

"Ooh, is it compatible with asari, doctor?" Liara asked looking far too interested.

"Yes it is." She nodded.

"Hey, Tali. Want to go check on the engine mods? The program should be compiled." Adams asked as he got up from his seat next to Karen. 

"No way am I missing -hic- this." She grinned behind her mask. 

"This was an enlightening evening. I shall go to bed and hope my hangover kills me." He laughed as he stepped over Vega's body and beat feet for the crew quarters.

"I'm so sorry, I-" Joker stuttered.

"I do have some old footage, and I can attest to the fact that Commander Shepard is less chafed after intercourse than before switching salve brands." EDI interrupted.

"Good to hear." Karen nodded thoughtfully as she swayed a bit. "Good to hear."

"That was a joke." EDI said before John or Garrus could protest.

"Okay, Okay! I'm sorry." Joker said with his hands cradling his face. "I should not have said that."

"No shit." Shepard nodded.

"I'm sorry, everyone." Joker sighed

"Should someone check on Vega?" Traynor asked, leaning to look at the bulky man splayed out on the deck. 

"I'm fine." He murmured. "I've accepted my fate."

Steve walked over and began trying to heft the huge marine up. 

"C'mon Jimmy. Up you go." He pulled. "Seriously give me some help here. Stop being dead weight and dramatic."

"Go on without me." He pawed at Steven's leg.

"So are turian cocks blue or purple?" Steven asked Garrus and John, who by now were thoroughly enjoying their new game of 'Freak Out Joker'.

"Well, some are purple and other grey. Depends on hide color really." Garrus nodded and hummed in thought. "What color would you say mine is, babe?" He looked down at John smirking.

Vega heaved himself up off the floor before John could formulate an answer.

"I need to go find my bottle of tequila and purge this night from my brain." He wobbled and burped.

"I'll help you look since I'm the more sober one." Steven said looping Vegas arm over his shoulders. "Goodnight everyone. I'll see you all in the morning so we can avoid making eye contact with one another."

The rest of the group watched them leave. Karen leaned over and smacked Joker's arm with the back of her hand.

"Now what do you say, young man?" She said, waving an unsteady arm at Garrus and John who both wore victorious grins. 

"I'm sorry for insinuating you had slept with the Primarch. Whether you did or not is not my business, and my drunk ass took it too far." He sighed and looked at Garrus and Shepard sincerely. "I am sorry." 

"Is he forgiven?" John looked up from where he had returned to Garrus' lap.

"I think so. We forgive you." He affirmed.

"Just watch the jokes." John nodded. 

Joker nodded and left the lounge with EDI's help.

"I think it's time we all got sleep." Garrus looked down at John and ran his hand through the dark hair. 

"Ugh." Talk groaned. "Get a -hic- room."

"They already have one." Traynor said idly as she played with her hair. "What?"

Garrus leveled a look at her. John would too but he couldn't turn his had that way, and didn't feel like moving.

"Sorry, but it's not like everyone doesn't know." She threw her hands up. "You did ask me to grab your stuff from your locker and take it up to the captain's quarters that one night in the middle of shift turn over. It's not my fault you're too cheap to buy new bags that don't have C-Sec logos all over them." She huffed.

John snickered on Garrus' lap.

"And I wasn't about to disobey my XO's orders. I figured you moving up there was perfectly normal." She continued. "You're never in your old bunk either."

"Specialist." Garrus soothed. "It's fine."

"Oh." She pursed her lips. "Sorry for blabbering."

"XO, huh?" John mused from the torin's lap.

"Isn't it obvious?" Liara asked, earning blank looks from both men. She rolled her eyes. "Garrus practically runs the ship when you're too busy or have other things going on."

"I do not." Garrus said weakly.

"At first -hic- no." Tali slurred. "You first started telling the crew the orders came from Shepard. Then just started giving the orders you either knew Shepard wanted -hic- or he told you to pass along, but didn't bother to say directly it was from Shepard. We all just -hic- trust you that it did that from him and you." She waived to Liara. "I can't finish that sentence you-hic-do it for me."

"Tali put it more eloquently than I could." Traynor shrugged. "And when I got the shift assignments from Garrus' message address instead of the commander's I just assumed. That's something an XO does."

"You also did give him permission to sign off on some requisition orders when you weren't around." Chakwas finished. She looked at her empty glass and unsteadily got up. "Goodnight everyone. See you in the morning for hangover cures."

John looked up at Garrus with love in his eyes.

"I guess you are my second in command." He smiled. 

"I always have your six. If that means running the Norm-" 

They were interrupted by a dramatic retching sound from Tali. She stood up and waved them off. 

"That was a real -hic- one." She said as she raced out to the door. "Get a room though!" She said gleefully before retching again.

"I should go check on her." Traynor stood up with ease. Garrus and Liara looked mildly surprised at her. "I can hold my liquor you know." 

"Goodnight, specialist." John said as he watched her go.

"Good night, sirs. I'll have a casualty report for you in the morning." She waived. 

"I think I'm ready for bed too." Liara stood up. "I have scheduled updates coming in tomorrow and I expect a LOT of data. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Liara." Garrus and John echoed. 

The two sat in silence for a moment, enjoying each other's company. They watched the stars out the view port and lost themselves in the little quiet they had. Garrus' purring and petting almost put John to sleep before a thought occurred to him.

"Should we let Adrien know the crew suspects?" He looked up at Garrus.

"No. They can suspect all they want." He huffed. "It'll only worry him or anger him. Probably a bit of both. I also would like to see him again and don't want him chased off. That is if you would."

John smiled up at Garrus. "Definitely." He sighed, breathing in Garrus' scent and reveling in his warmth. "You know, I never knew before that they could be dark red too."

Garrus laughed out loud at that. "I love you, John."

"Love you too, Garrus." He smiled as he fell asleep.

Garrus looked down a few minutes later and saw John sound asleep.

"Tarc." He sat for a moment but decided they needed to get up to bed.

He gently slid out from under Shepard and scooped him up. He opened the lounge door and looked out into the mess hall to see if it was clear. It wasn't but the few people on the deck were drunkenly rummaging in the galley or puking their organs out in the bathrooms. Anyone else was likely distracted by that.

Garrus called the elevator and put in John's code to rush it. When the elevator door closed it sealed the sounds of puking and shattering glass away and he could savor the silence. He leaned down and kissed the top of John's head and breathed in his scent. 

He smiled into his love's hair as they reached their room.


End file.
